


Greenhorn

by bmot



Category: SHINee
Genre: First Time, Loss of Virginity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:33:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bmot/pseuds/bmot
Summary: Jonghyun is feeling restless and frustrated in the winter. He seeks help from the more experienced Jinki in 'cashing in his V card'. It goes better than expected.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Lee Jinki | Onew
Comments: 57
Kudos: 97
Collections: Winter of SHINee





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Summary is from the prompt! Thank you to the prompter <3
> 
> I had fun writing this one, though it's not as good or as long as I hoped it would be. ^^; I hope you all enjoy it still!

Jonghyun is too keyed up from hitting the _submit_ button on his final assignment to sleep anytime soon. But after hours of staring at the white background of the scorewriter on his laptop, the darkness of his room — and particularly, his pillow, when he shoves his face down into it — is a welcome relief.

The piece he’d written drifts through his head, eventually making his other thoughts fuzzy and pleasantly blank. He’s not sure how much time passes before he hears his phone ding in his pocket, but from the black sky outside his window, he knows it’s night.

He rolls onto his back with a grimace and pulls it out to squint at the too-bright screen.

Minho: Are you coming down to Countless?

Minho: They’re doing happy hour all night :)

Minho: I’ll buy you a drink if you show up

Jonghyun covers his face and sighs.

He doesn’t want to go — his final composition assignment had kept him up for hours, and for whatever reason, his legs are aching from the lack of sleep — but he knows he’ll regret it if he doesn’t. Everyone he knows will be leaving town for the winter break to spend the holidays with their families. There’s next to nothing in town except the college, so there’s no reason for any of his friends to stay after the end of the term. He’d be leaving too, if he could afford a flight back home.

But he can’t. So he’ll be stuck in a ghost town, spending his first Christmas and New Years alone. The most company he’ll probably get is a call from Sodam and his mother, but he can’t bother them too much when they’re busy with the holidays.

He quickly changes out of his rumpled shirt and into a sweater, then bundles up for the walk to the bar. It’s positioned between campus and his current apartment complex, and most importantly, has good deals on drinks on Tuesday and Thursday nights when his friends have evening classes.

He arrives to a packed bar. Most are fresh-faced undergraduates celebrating the end of their exams, but there’s a few other students he recognizes from the rare free-food events the university puts on for the underpaid teaching assistants across campus. He finds Minho easily by following the shouting from the billiards table.

“You realize I can hear you from the other end of the bar,” Jonghyun says, pinching MInho’s arm.

“If you saw the bullshit Kibum did on his last shot, you’d be yelling too.” Minho grins and embraces him. Jonghyun winces at the poke of the cue stick against his shoulder and the sharp smell of alcohol that’d already stuck to his jacket.

“Are you going to need help getting home later?” Jonghyun asks. He never minds guiding his drunk roommate back to their apartment, since it always leads to a cleaning spree.

“I’m not drinking much since my flight’s tomorrow. So if you want to get completely trashed, feel free. I can help you back to the apartment.”

Jonghyun rolls his eyes. Sometimes he wonders how much of Minho’s attitude came from his natural personality, and how much of it was picked up from the gaggle of fraternity members he plays sports with weekly.

“I’m not going to drink that much, don’t worry.”

After a brief greeting to everyone else Minho had roped into coming, he pushes his way through to the bar to grab himself a drink. He pays for a single bottled beer in cash instead of starting a tab so he’ll have an easier time leaving.

As he waits for the harried bartender to pop off the cap, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns his head, expecting to see another customer trying to rush him away now that he has his beer, but smiles when he sees Jinki.

Like him, Jinki had come overseas to study music, though their areas are entirely different. Jinki’s at the doctoral level, instead of master’s, and studies conducting, instead of composition — and that’s enough of a difference to keep them from running into each other on campus often. Their departments don’t overlap, except for the rare collaboration event.

“Ready to celebrate the end of the term?” Jonghyun asks.

“Yeah,” Jinki says. “It’s good to see you here. Minho said he wasn’t sure if you’d come out or not.”

Jonghyun laughs. “I wasn’t sure either until I was walking out the door. This semester killed me — I was up all night working.”

“You had a big piece to write for something, right? How did that turn out?”

“Don’t know,” Jonghyun mumbles. He picks up the beer set on the counter for him with a sigh. “Haven’t gotten a grade yet. But whatever I wrote is music of some sort, so I should pass. My professor is pretty lenient if he knows you’ve tried, even if it sounds awful.”

Jinki laughs. “I’m sure it’s good. I like all the stuff you’ve shared.”

“Thanks.” Jonghyun takes his first drink slowly, buying time as he tries to remember the last thing Jinki had told him about his own studies.

“Did you have a final project or anything?” Jonghyun asks, giving up on his memory. “I don’t really know how it works for you, since your degree is so different...”

“I had to direct a choir performance of undergraduates, which went terribly. Half of our singers caught the flu, so we were short on some parts.”

Jonghyun winces. “I’m sorry. That’s bad luck.”

“Yeah, but it’s over now.” Jinki grins. “Hoping to have lots of fun over the break.”

Jonghyun raises a brow. Knowing Jinki, that means bringing a few different boys home. Out of all the other Korean students in the music program, Jinki’s the only one he’s met that’s gay — which makes it impossible not to talk to him the few times they see each other.

“You should go to Heart Stop if you want a head start on that. They should be packed tonight, too.”

“I’d rather prioritize my friends,” Jinki says. “I won’t see most of them for a month.”

Jonghyun’s lip quirks. “Yeah, that’s why I’m here. Figured I should come, since I was invited and the town’s going to empty out soon. It’ll be nice to have an empty town for the first week, then it’ll be boring as hell.”

Jinki’s eyes light. “You’ll be in town over the break? So will I.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun says. “I couldn’t afford to go home this time.”

The delight on Jinki’s face instantly vanishes. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

Jonghyun shrugs. “It’s whatever. No changing it now.”

“If it’s any comfort, we can hang out and suffer through the season together..”

Jonghyun laughs. He hasn’t spent much time with Jinki one-on-one — only a few late night, drunken conversations that’d gotten stupidly sentimental , as they tend to do — but he’s enjoyed those. “Sure, yeah. Sounds fun.”

“Great,” Jinki says, grinning wide. “You work at the school, right? I’m guessing you won’t have a schedule for a while.”

Jonghyun smiles. “Nope. It’ll just be me trying not to fuck up my sleep schedule for two weeks.”

“Well, feel free to call me at three in the morning. I won’t complain.”

“You’ll take calls that late that aren’t for sex?”

“For you, yeah,” Jinki teases. He nudges Jonghyun with his elbow. “Because we’re friends.”

Jonghyun snorts and takes another sip of his beer. “And because I’m the only other gay Korean grad student you know.”

Jinki laughs and holds out his drink to clink against Jonghyun’s. “Cheers to that.”


	2. Chapter 2

Jonghyun gets home well past midnight. He helps Minho finish his last-minute packing, then falls into bed without setting an alarm.

He wakes up to a quiet apartment. Somehow, he’d managed to sleep all the way until afternoon. He shuffles out to the kitchen to pour himself some cereal, not bothering with clothing because Minho won’t be back for another two weeks. Jonghyun squints at his phone screen as he scrolls through the messages he’d missed.

There’s Minho’s flight details, which he doesn’t need. A message from his sister about the decorations her church would be using for the holidays. And one from Jinki, sent early morning.

Jinki: What’s your plan for the day? Still want to hang out?

Jonghyun picks up his phone and thinks on it. He has nothing better to do — other than work on more music, for personal projects — but he doesn’t want to look at a single score. His brain needs the distance.

He types with one hand as he eats. 

Jonghyun: Sorry, I just woke up. What do you want to do? 

Jinki: We can go bowling, maybe? For once, the alley might not be filled with drunk freshmen on half-off thursday. 

Jinki: Or if you’d rather go drinking, we could go to the gay bar, since everyone else is gone

Jonghyun: That would end with you bringing someone home, probably

Jonghyun: I’d rather not spend the night being third wheeled 

Jinki: I would never let that happen ^^ So bowling sounds good?

Jonghyun: Sure!

Jinki: I’ll pick you up at 3?

Jonghyun sends back a quick acceptance. Jinki’s place is within walking distance of his, and there’s a bus route that makes the town’s single bowling alley easy to get to, but with the cold, he’ll be happy for the ride.

***

When three comes around, he steps outside his apartment. Jinki greets him with a smile and waves him into the passenger seat.

“Shouldn’t be this fucking cold when it’s not even snowing yet,” Jonghyun grumbles, shoving his hands near the vents to warm them.

“Definitely not, no.” 

Jinki waits for him to buckle up, then pulls back out onto the street. Jonghyun reaches for the dashboard to turn up the volume, not wanting to sit through a silent car ride. The layered voices of a choir echo through the speakers, and it only takes two verses for him to realize it’s some sort of Christmas song.

He looks to Jinki, incredulous. “Choir music when you’re driving, really? Aren't you sick of it?”

Jinki laughs. “You know whose car you were getting into. And it  _ is _ the season.”

“Still, I thought I’d avoided this church kind of stuff by staying home for Christmas...”

“You can change it if you want.” 

“Then I will.”

Jonghyun grins and flicks through the stations until he finds a grating pop song, then sits back. Half of him expects to hear a complaint about the weak vocals or the song’s structure — he’s met dozens in his program that can’t stand to listen to anything that gets radio play — and he’s curious if Jinki is one of them. He watches carefully, expecting a reaction. Jinki’s hands shift on the steering wheel.

“Is there a reason you’re staring at me?”

Jonghyun shrugs. “Just wonder if you’re okay with what I put on.”

“If you’re trying to bother me with music, it’s not going to work. There’s very little that I hate.” 

“That’s surprising, considering your major.”

Jinki shrugs. “I’m not picky. And when you teach people how to sing, you need to be able to put up with having your ears bleed.” 

Jonghyun laughs. “If someone’s in your choir, can’t they sing?”

“Usually, yeah. But you’re forgetting about auditions. No one can control what you’ll hear in those.” 

“True.”

They spend the rest of the ride discussing their favorite popular artists and exchanging complaints about the ones they find most annoying. When they reach the bowling alley, Jinki pays for both of them before Jonghyun can protest. They pick out bowling balls and grab their shoes, then head to a bench to change. 

“Interesting socks,” Jinki says, nodding to the dachshund-patterned pink ones Jonghyun pulled on this morning. 

Jonghyun tugs on his shoes. “Don’t judge.”

“I’m not. They’re cute. I remember you said you had a puppy, once?”

“She’s not a puppy anymore.” Jonghyun sighs. “I didn’t expect to get into any school for graduate work, really, so I got her when I finished my bachelors. My sister’s had to do most of the work with raising her.” 

“I’m sure she has fun with it, though. Can I see a picture of her?”

Jonghyun pulls out his phone and flips through his pictures until he finds the latest one his sister had sent. 

“She’s very cute. Takes after her owner.”

“Me? Or my sister?”

“Both of you, I guess. But obviously, you have priority — since I’m gay, and you’re sitting here with me.”

Jonghyun laughs. Jinki had hit on him blatantly the first time they’d met, but after turning him down, the flirtations had turned friendly banter. 

They move into the lane on the far left, putting as much space between them and the children’s birthday party taking place on the other end of the alley as possible. To no surprise, Jinki is great at bowling — as much as he is at darts, beer pong, and everything else Jonghyun had seen him play. He makes a handful of strikes, even more spares, and has twice as many points as Jonghyun after their first few turns. 

The next time Jinki goes, Jonghyun watches and tries to imitate the way he steps forward and moves his arm. He manages to replicate it, somewhat — and puts more spin and force on the ball than before — but his direction is off. 

Jonghyun pouts when his ball rolls into the gutter again. “You’d think rolling a ball down a straight surface wouldn’t be that difficult, and yet, I’m terrible at it.” 

“If you don’t do something often, it’s natural for it to be difficult. We can ask them to turn the bumpers on, if you want.”

Jonghyun glances down the bowling alley. A group of three college students had appeared at some point — but their bumpers are turned off. Only the two alleys used by the kids at the birthday party are set up to prevent failure. 

“No thanks,” Jonghyun says. “I’d rather not stoop to what five-year-olds need.”

“There’s no shame in it, but alright. I can try and help you on your next turn, if you want.” 

Jinki smiles and turns towards the lane. He lines up his shot. An excited screech echoes behind them that makes Jinki release the ball midthrow. He curses under his breath, but laughs when his ball rolls into the gutter with a heavy thunk. 

Jinki grins. “Actually, maybe you shouldn’t take tips from me.” 

Jonghyun gestures behind them to the kid now racing towards the birthday table, away from his weary-looking father. “That round definitely wasn’t your fault. You were distracted.”

“Maybe. You’re giving me too much credit.”

The dad behind them sends an apologetic look, but his brows rise towards his greying hair when he sees Jinki. “You’re in town? I thought everyone left when the term ended.” 

When the man grins broadly and walks over, stopping at the edge of the carpet, Jinki moves to greet him with a quick hug. 

“Not me. Didn’t seem worth the money to leave. What’re you doing here?”

“Dropping my son off for a birthday party.” The man glances at the table of shouting children, then places a hand on Jinki’s shoulder. “His mom’s going to be picking him up and has him the rest of the weekend. Will you be free after that?” 

“Not tonight,” Jinki says, nodding to Jonghyun. “I’m here with a friend. Maybe some other time, though.”

“Alright,” he says, shrugging. “Just let me know.” 

When he walks away, Jinki smiles at Jonghyun apologetically, but says nothing. He finishes his turn, knocking down the remaining three pins he’d had standing.

After a minute without explanation, Jonghyun’s curiosity outweighs his fear of being nosey. “Who was that guy?”

Jinki scratches the back of his neck. “No one I know that well. I think he’s a psychology professor or something. We hooked up a few times. I was worried he’d get too serious about it since he hadn’t gotten divorced that long ago, but it was alright.” 

Jonghyun purses his lips. He’d come here in hopes of taking his mind off his winter loneliness, and he’d still managed to run into a reminder of it. He’s a virgin, boyfriendless for the past five years, while Jinki apparently has partners old enough to have tenure. It’s his own fault for not putting himself out there — but sometimes, he wishes he had.

“Probably should’ve guessed that’s how you’d met him.” 

“You don’t sound happy to hear about it.” Jinki raises a brow. “Are you jealous?”

“No,” Jonghyun grumbles. “Not in the way I think you’re joking about, at least.”

Jinki blinks. There’s a pause before his eyes widen in realization. “Oh, you still haven’t...?”

Jonghyun shakes his head. He tosses his ball down the lane and scowls when it goes into the gutter again, then moves to give Jinki his turn. Jinki offers him a small smile and stands by him. “You’ll find the right guy at some point, I’m sure. Or the right moment.”

“Maybe,” Jonghyun sighs. “Hard to imagine at this point, though.”

“Because you’ve built it up a lot?”

“I guess. I’m not naive enough to think it’s going to be like a movie or anything. But it feels like it’s a big deal — bigger every year, since I know it’s weird to wait. Part of me wants to pretend it doesn’t matter, but the other part of me still wants to treat it as a first that I should make as perfect as I can.”

“I mean, there’s a first time for everything in life. I’m not going to avoid eating pizza for the first time until I find the best pizza place ever, you know? You’ll find your favorite restaurant eventually, regardless of what you’ve eaten before.”

Jonghyun stares at him. “That’s...an interesting metaphor.”

Jinki laughs and looks away, plainly embarrassed. “Not a very eloquent one, though.”

“It makes sense,” Jonghyun says. “And it certainly sounds like a less stressful approach than the one I have now.”

Jinki shrugs. “Everyone sees that stuff differently.”

“Seems to be working well for you. You’ve gotten a lot of good pizza.” 

“I’m pretty sure I’ve had pizza more often than I’ve had sex.” Jinki pauses. “Actually, I don’t know. I never ordered pizza much back home, but I still got around.”

Jonghyun laughs and pushes Jinki’s side, ushering him towards the lane. “You can add that up later. Just take your turn so we can close out this game.” 

***

Their last game ends with Jinki winning, predictably. They spend the ride home talking about the past and upcoming semesters. When Jinki drops him off, he offers a small thanks and hurries inside to avoid the cold. 

As always, he found himself opening up to Jinki about things he’d only share with his closest friends. Something about Jinki’s easygoing nature makes talking about anything seem effortless. Even if it meant talking about his virginity in a half-deserted bowling alley.

He huffs and leans closer to the vent by his door, enjoying the heat on his fingers. 

Every time there’s a lull in his school work, he starts to wonder what he might be missing by avoiding sex for so long. And now his conversation with Jinki has him thinking of it again. Maybe Jinki is right — what does he even get for waiting this long? 

He’s nearly decided that he doesn’t want to stay inexperienced. But he doesn't have a boyfriend to lose his virginity to — which is always how he’d imagined it’d go — and the thought of having his first time with someone he doesn’t know at all is unappealing. If he were more like Jinki, the problem would be easy to solve. All he’d have to do is download an app and see what he can find. 

Maybe he doesn’t need to be in love, but he doesn’t want a one-night stand, either. Something between a stranger and a trusted boyfriend is what he’d need. Which seems like an impossible thing to find, but...

His thoughts halt the instant he imagines himself complaining to Jinki. 

He’d be perfect.

They’re friends. Jonghyun is comfortable with Jinki. Jinki is plainly comfortable with meaningless sex. And the first time they’d met, Jinki had made a pass at him, so _ some _ sort of physical attraction was plainly there. 

Why wouldn’t it work? 

The worst that could happen is Jinki rejecting him. And even that would be fine — with how Jinki casually Jinki treats sex, he can’t imagine making a proposition would change any of their friendship. 

He reaches for the phone beside his bed before he can lose his courage. After he has his chat box open, he stops with his thumbs over the keyboard. 

Maybe he isn’t brave enough to ask Jinki outright over text. But he can set up the in-person visit that might lead to things, if he hints enough and makes an opening for Jinki to do whatever he does that gets men into bed with him. 

He swallows and starts to type. Jinki’s response comes almost as soon as he sends the message.

Jonghyun: Thanks for the ride today. Would you want to hang out again soon?

Jinki: Of course :) And I’d love to!

Jinki: Is tomorrow good? What do you want to do?

Jinki: I’m guessing not bowling

Jonghyun: I was thinking we could spend time at your place? There’s a new show I want to watch. I don’t know if you’ll like it, but I think I’ll have more fun watching it with someone.

Jonghyun: Or you could come over here, but I remember your TV being better.

Jinki: It’s fine for you to come over! I live alone, but I keep my place clean enough for surprise visits. 

Jonghyun bites his lip as the conversation peeters out after they iron out the details. A part of him feels guilty for not being forthright, but he can’t imagine how to bring up something like that over text, and there’s no point worrying about it now. He can figure that out tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

Jinki’s place is only a twenty minute walk away from Jonghyun’s apartment. After checking with Jinki he’s good to come over, he tugs on his winter boots and throws on a thick jacket, then heads out.

Trudging through the snow gives him time to imagine how and when he’ll bring up the idea of sleeping together. He gives it a few minutes of consideration, then shoves it down when he comes up with nothing, knowing he’ll lose his nerve if he lingers on it. He’ll find a moment, and if he doesn’t, Jinki’s guaranteed to make at least one suggestive joke he can turn into an opening.

When he reaches Jinki’s place, Jonghyun stops outside the door to pull down the hood of his jacket and fix his hair. He takes a deep breath, then knocks. 

Jinki answers almost immediately. 

“Hey, good to see you,” Jinki says, smiling and gesturing for him to enter. “Sorry my place looks a little empty when I’m not having a party here, but hopefully it doesn’t feel too weird.” 

“I’m sure it’s fine.” Jonghyun steps inside and looks around. The kitchen is cleaner than he’s ever seen it — and absent the usual assortment of mixers and liquor on the counter. 

Jinki closes the door after him and wipes his palm on his jeans. “I have snacks, and there’s beer in the fridge, if you want any. We can order pizza later too, if we end up watching that much.”

Jonghyun opens the fridge, expecting to find a pack of something cheap, but spots his favorite beer immediately. “You really prepared, huh?”

“I tried,” Jinki laughs. “Grab whatever you like, I’ll get your show pulled up.”

Jonghyun snatches one up and follows Jinki into the living room. “Did you know this is the kind I like? It doesn’t seem like what I’ve seen you order before.”

“Is it? I didn’t know it was your favorite, but I remember you ordering it once or twice,” Jinki says. He thumbs at the peeling label of the beer beside him. “I don’t hate it, so I figured I might as well pick it up.”

“Thanks. Do you know where your opener is?”

Jinki picks up his keychain from the living room table and flashes the bottle opener attached to it. “Got one right here.”

Jonghyun laughs and hands over his bottle. “I forgot you had that.”

“It’s handy. Great at parties.” 

Jinki passes the drink back to him with a smile. Jonghyun’s cheeks warm when their eyes meet, thoughts going back to when Jinki had opened his drink the night they’d met, a few minutes after overhearing Jonghyun talking about his inexperience and making an offer to “help with that, if he wanted.” 

Jonghyun hurries to the couch. It’s large enough to put a few feet between them when he sits on the opposite end from Jinki, but he can nearly feel every inch of air that separates them. 

The start of the show takes his mind off it, thankfully. He manages to enjoy the first few episodes — they’re plot heavy enough to take his attention off Jinki, save the few comments they exchange about the attractive male lead and jokes about the costuming. It’s all going good until the romance starts. 

He blinks at the first kiss, uncertain of whether to look away or keep watching as the back of his neck heats and the actors’ clothes are peeled off. 

A sex scene. His face reddens. 

So much for forgetting what he came here for. 

He stiffens when he sees Jinki watching him from the corner of his eye. 

“You think in a series as long as this one we’ll get to see anything but straight people going at it?”

“Probably not,” Jonghyun murmurs. “But at least we get to see him naked.”

Jinki laughs. “True. That’s the only reason I’m not fast forwarding.” 

Jonghyun smiles at him, heart pounding as he thinks again of his idea. Now seems like a natural time to bring it up — but before he can think of what to say, Jinki turns back to the TV. Jonghyun slumps back into the couch, cursing him through the rest of the too-long sex scene. 

A few minutes later, when the screen fades to black at the end of the episode, Jinki turns to him. 

“You getting hungry? Still want pizza?”

Jonghyun blinks at Jinki. He’d been too deep in thinking of how to bring things up, he hadn’t expected Jinki to talk to him first..“What?” 

“Pizza?” Jinki repeats, grinning. “Were you that distracted by seeing him naked? They didn’t even show his dick.” 

“I just didn’t hear you,” Jonghyun lies. “Pizza’s still fine.” 

“Good.” Jinki and reaches under the table to pull out his laptop, then gestures for Jonghyun to move closer. “Help me put in your order, I don’t know what you like.” 

Jonghyun swallows and scoots towards Jinki. While Jinki puts in his order, he shifts to rest his knee against Jinki’s thigh, half-hoping that’ll draw a reaction that spurs Jinki to do the work of initiating. 

But Jinki doesn’t flinch at the contact — probably because they’re friends, he’s used to it, and he has no idea what Jonghyun is thinking. All it does is make Jonghyun’s skin prickle. He watches, anxious, as Jinki finishes picking toppings then turns the screen towards him.

He forces himself to squint at the menu, then points to a random assortment of meat and vegetables he knows he doesn’t hate, too distracted to actually think of what he might be in the mood for. 

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen that combination of toppings before,” Jinki teases, clicking to order a side of breadsticks. “Or are you trying something new since I’m paying.” 

“If it’s too much—”” 

“No, it’s my treat. I’m only messing with you. I don’t mind.” 

He pats Jonghyun’s knee in assurance, sending Jonghyun’s heart racing again. The rest of the show will take them through the night, and he’s not sure he wants to have that conversation when he’s half-asleep.

“Everything look good?” Jinki shows him the final order.

Jonghyun nods without looking. “Mm.” 

Jinki eyes him oddly, then turns back to the laptop. His fingers move stiffly across the keys as he enters his address. “You seem like you’re thinking deeply about that pizza.” 

Jonghyun laughs and hangs his head. “Sorry.”

“If you want something else, you can say so. I’m not _ that  _ fixated on pizza.” 

“No, that’s not it.” 

“Then what are you thinking about?” Jinki asks. The question is casual, but that’s only a reminder of how far Jonghyun’s thoughts are from normal. He waits until Jinki’s attention is back on the screen, then licks his lips.

“Do you remember what you said the first time we met?”

Jinki stiffens. He looks at Jonghyun, then hunches further over his keyboard.

“Uh — I think so.” He rubs his nose. “If I’m thinking of the right thing, I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s alright,” Jonghyun says. He purses his lips as he tries to find his next words. Referencing the past is easy, when he doesn't have to repeat what Jinki said. He swishes the beer in his bottle, then takes another drink for courage. “I was wondering how serious your offer was back then. You were hitting on me, right?” 

“I was making an attempt, yeah,” Jinki says, sheepish. He stares down at his hands. “I wasn’t really thinking much that night, and I’d had a few drinks...”

“I told you I’m not bothered by it,” Jonghyun interrupts. “I’m only bringing it up because I’m curious if you’d still be up for it.”

“For...?”

“Sleeping with me,” Jonghyun mumbles, face heating when he forces out the words. “Would you want to?”

Jinki looks back to him, eyes wide. “Now?” 

“It doesn’t have to be  _ now  _ now. But I want to know if you’re interested. That’s why I’m asking.” 

“I — I don’t know,” Jinki says, seeming scattered. He scoots back, putting distance between them, and gestures to the beer in Jonghyun’s hand. “You, uh — you’re drinking, so it doesn’t seem right.” 

Jonghyun frowns. “This is only my second.”

“You’re a lightweight.”

He huffs, slumping back into the plush arm on the other end of the couch.

“If you don’t want to sleep with me, you can just say that. I can handle a rejection.”

Jinki sits up straight, eyes going wide as he waves a hand. “That’s not — no, that’s not it at all.” 

When Jonghyun raises a brow, Jinki swallows. “I just — I don’t want you to associate me with something you regret, I guess. Can we sit on it for a day?” 

“I’ve thought about it for longer than that.” 

Jinki stares at him, entirely still. “You have?”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun says. “Because of what you said when we met, and because I know you take sex casually. It wouldn’t be a big deal, right?” 

“Right,” Jinki repeats, though he sounds unconvinced. “There’s no need to rush, though. We have the whole break.”

“Yeah.” Jonghyun burrows further into the couch, wanting to hide. It’d taken all his courage to bring it up, and he feels foolish now. He buries his face in his hands and sighs. “I don’t know how you hit on people. Or how you didn’t run away from me after I turned you down. It’s awkward.” 

“You win some, you lose some. Most of it being online helps, too.”

“I should’ve asked you over text, then. Or made an account somewhere and matched with you.”

“If you ever do that, I’m not sure how you’d find me. You’ll get too many messages to sift through them.”

Jonghyun peeks through his fingers to find Jinki smiling at him. “I hope you’re not saying that out of pity.” 

“It’s not,” Jinki says. “I mean it.” 

“Thanks.” 

The silence he expects to follow is cut off by a growl from his stomach. Jinki laughs and turns back to his laptop, peering at the progress on the pizza tracker. Jonghyun says nothing, though he can tell the tips of Jinki’s ears are red. After Jinki puts the laptop back away, he reaches for the remote and puts the next episode on without another word. They make it through the full thing before the pizza arrives, and to his relief the ring of the doorbell interrupts pause between episodes.

“Do you want plates?” 

“I can eat out of the box,” Jonghyun says. Jinki holds out his pizza to him, balanced on one hand while his own is in the other.

When he reaches to take it, their hands brush. He jolts back onto the other end of the couch. Jinki doesn’t comment on his skittishness, at least — just restarts the show to play while they eat — but it’s still the most awkward pizza dinner Jonghyun’s had in his life. 

But it all seems to be him. Jinki is unbothered, as far as he can tell. He wonders how Jinki can act normally after his proposition — but then, that’s why he’d decided to ask Jinki in the first place. He wouldn’t care either way. 

The  _ Are you still watching? _ prompt pops onto the screen at the end of the episode, but Jinki makes no move to start things again. 

“Do you want to stop here?” Jinki asks. “It’s getting dark, and that might make it hard to see any ice on your walk back...”

“Sure. Yeah.” Jonghyun stands and slides his phone into his wallet. Maybe he should apologize for ruining a light-hearted afternoon with his suggestion, but he can’t bring himself to mention it again. He forces a smiles. “Thanks for the pizza, by the way. And the beer.”

“Of course. I’m the host and I invited you over, so I don’t mind paying. ” 

As Jonghyun wraps his scarf around his neck, Jinki plays with the lock of his door, pushing and pulling on the bolt with his thumb. “About, uh — what you brought up...” Jinki pauses. “I’ll message you soon?”

“Okay,” Jonghyun says, barely able to meet Jinki’s eyes. He takes another step outside. “Don’t feel pressured. It was just an idea.”

“I really don’t,” Jinki says. When Jonghyun forces himself to meet Jinki’s eyes, his expression is entirely earnest. “It’s only about what I said: I think it’ll be good to sit on it for a while, considering how long you’ve already waited.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun murmurs. “I can wait another few days.” 

Jinki gives him a fragile smile. “Either way — you’ll want to hang out more over the break, you think?”

“Sure. There’s some other shows we can watch.”

“Yeah. And more day drinking to do.”

Jonghyun laughs and steps back, giving a short wave before Jinki closes the door. Normally, they’d part with a hug, but he can’t find the nerve to do it now. He climbs down the stairs carefully, remembering what Jinki had said about ice, and slips in a single headphone for the trip back home.

Though the weather makes his nose sting, the night sky is clear. He walks slowly back to his apartment, letting the stars and the crisp, cold air ease his embarrassment. 

He doesn’t know what he expected from his proposition. He certainly didn’t expect Jinki to jump on him the moment he offered. But he can’t say he expected the rejection — or at least, he didn’t expect Jinki to turn him down with a  _ maybe later _ because he was worried about regrets. 

Maybe he should be insulted that Jinki didn’t trust his decision making. But in a weird way, it’s sweet that Jinki cared. He hadn’t imagined Jinki to worry about what he’d regret and what he wouldn’t. 

When he reaches his apartment door, he shoves his hand into his pocket and digs for his keys. His phone buzzes during the search, and when he sees Jinki’s name, he rushes to open it. 

Jinki: Let me know when you get home okay :) 

He smiles at the message and types a quick response.

If he’s going to lose his virginity to anyone he’s not in love with, Jinki’s a good choice. 

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

He’d made peace with the awkward proposition he’d made to Jinki that night. But when he wakes up to no notifications, the conversation replays in his head, it’s hard not to assume the worst. 

Jonghyun buries his face in his pillow and groans, not wanting to move until he can think of a way to distract himself for the rest of the day or leave town forever without losing his master’s. Why had he thought asking Jinki to sleep with him was a good idea?

Just because he slept around didn’t mean he’d be interested. He should’ve assumed that Jinki had slotted him into the _friend_ spot exclusively — it’d been a year since Jinki had made that half-joke at the party where they'd met — and throwing something out there to mess that up made him look like a presumptuous idiot.

When he finally finds enough dignity to get out of bed, he busies himself with the deep clean his room needs after he’d holed himself up in it to work on his final project. He plays the music Minho never lets him as loud as he can and hauls his clothes to the wash, then brings in a trash bag to rid the room of his snack debris. Vacuuming comes next, but he barely gets to push it into the room and turn it off before his music cuts abruptly, interrupted by the fake piano note of his text notification.

He stiffens and shuts the vacuum back off. His phone gives the buzz of another message that makes his stomach knot — is Jinki double-texting him a good thing, or bad? — and he waits another minute before crossing the room to pick up his phone.

Jinki: Hey, I hope you don’t feel too weird after yesterday.

Jinki: If you want to pretend it never happened, I’m cool with that.

Jinki: But I thought about what you said, and I’m up for it if you’re still interested.

Jinki: You just caught me off guard lol

Jonghyun smiles, relieved.

Jonghyun: I know it was kind of an odd suggestion.

Jonghyun: Are you sure though?

Jinki: Yeah, I’m sure

Jinki: I had a whole night to think about it ;)

Jonghyun: If you want to, then...

Jonghyun: When’s a good time for you?

Jinki: I’m free all break.

Jinki: So today, if you want it.

He stares at his phone. He hadn’t expected things to move that fast. But would it be so bad if they did? It’d keep him from losing his nerve, at least.

Jonghyun: Should I head over now?

Jinki: Sure! I should have anything we might need. :)

Jonghyun swallows. He hadn’t even gotten _that_ far in thinking about this.

**

An hour later, he finds himself in front of Jinki’s door.

Though it’s not a date, he’d showered — and washed himself twice during it, out of paranoia — and picked out his best fitting t-shirt and jeans. Jinki may have already agreed to sleep with him because there was some attraction there, but he doesn’t want to take that for granted.

He takes a deep breath and knocks.

The door opens a minute later. Jonghyun forces himself to speak.

“Hey.” His voice comes out scratchy, enough to make him more nervous than he already is.

Jinki gives him a nervous smile and steps aside, letting him in. The apartment is silent. He sees Jinki give him a quick once over. When their eyes meet, they exchange a look, then a small laugh.

“You dressed up?” He asks, teasing.

“Well — now what?”

Jinki doesn’t respond with words. He steps forward and reaches out to place his hands on Jonghyun’s hips.

The touch is enough to make him shiver, even through the thick layer of his jacket. Kissing someone for the first time always makes his stomach flip, but this feels like more. Probably because he knows more will come after it.

Jinki leans in. Jonghyun closes his eyes and holds his breath, preparing for their lips to meet, but the moment never comes. When he reopens his eyes, Jinki is watching him worriedly.

“You’ve kissed someone before, right?”

“Of course,” Jonghyun says, face heating more. “I’m not _that_ inexperienced. I’ve had boyfriends.”

“Right.” Jinki licks his lips before cupping his cheek again. “Sorry.”

This time, there’s no pause when he leans in. Jonghyun’s hands jolt to find a place on Jinki’s shoulders when their lips meet. He feels Jinki smile, then hum. A wave of heat rolls through him, clouding his thoughts until he’s thinking of nothing more than Jinki easing him into a deeper kiss.

The slow scratch of his zipper as Jinki opens his jacket makes him kiss Jinki harder, wanting the distraction for his nerves. Jinki gasps into it and jerks the zipper down, opening his jacket in a rush to slip his hands inside.

He stiffens, caught off guard by the hook of Jinki’s fingers over the top of his jeans. This is always where he’s stopped before. He breathes in and squeezes his eyes shut, willing his nerves to vanish. Imagining the next few minutes, where Jinki’s hand might slip inside his boxers — he wants that. But his hands still clutch at Jinki’s shoulders out of habit, ready to push him back and mumble his usual something about _not being ready._

Though he manages to avoid that, Jinki somehow senses the shift.

“Hey. You alright?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “Sorry.”

Jinki pulls back with a frown. Jonghyun tries to assure him with a shaky smile, but that only makes him frown deeper.

“If you’re _this_ nervous, I don’t think we should do this,” Jinki says, voice soft. “I don’t want it to be something you regret.”

“I really want to — trust me. It’s only that it’s new.” Jonghyun sighs, frustrated with himself. “Were you not worried about anything your first time?”

Jinki’s lip quirks. “Honestly, I was too excited to worry about anything.”

Jonghyun slumps back against the wall. “You weren’t even worried about being bad at it?”

“Not really. We were in high school, so I think it was expected we’d have to figure things out on our own.”

Jonghyun huffs. “I think at my age, people expect me to know what I’m doing.”

“Well, I won’t, since I know you’re a virgin. Usually that makes things awkward.”

Jonghyun glares at him. “Thanks. That’s encouraging.”

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way, sorry,” Jinki says, wincing. “I only mean that you don’t need to worry about expectations.”

“That makes me sound like a pity fuck,” Jonghyun grumbles.

“You’re definitely not,” Jinki says. He leans forward, bringing their foreheads together as he squeezes Jonghyun’s hand. “You’re attractive. Why wouldn’t I want to fuck you?”

A wave of heat rolls through Jonghyun’s stomach at the want behind Jinki’s words. He swallows hard. “That’s really enough?”

“Yeah,” Jinki says. “If you do anything I don’t like, I can always let you know. And I’ll obviously enjoy teaching you anything you’re curious about.”

Jonghyun laughs. He runs a thumb absently against the back of Jinki’s palm. “Okay. I trust you.”

Jinki grins and kisses him. “Do you want to keep going?”

The kiss and the thought of what might follow makes his pulse speed, but after a moment of thought, he shakes his head.

“I think it might be easier to do naturally, so I don’t build it all up in my head,” Jonghyun says. “That’ll probably make me less nervous.”

Jinki raises a brow. “Define ‘naturally _._ ’”

“You know what I mean. Just treat me like any other guy you bring over. I’m guessing you don’t jump right to sex.”

Jinki snorts. “Oh, of course not.”

Jonghyun pushes him away with a playful shove. “Okay, that was a dumb assumption. You probably do it all the time.”

“Not _every_ time, though — depends on the guy.” With a teasing smile, Jinki steps closer to help him out of his jacket. “I don’t mind if you need a little buttering up.”

“Don’t put it like that,” Jonghyun grumbles. He gestures for Jinki to move towards the living room. “Just pick a crappy movie for us to watch.”

Halfway through the movie, he glances at Jinki.

Maybe they’d picked something too interesting. Maybe Jinki wanted to wait until he’d relaxed completely. Or maybe he’s waiting for Jonghyun to make the first move — though that makes little sense, considering what they’d talked about and how many times Jinki must’ve done this before.

He settles back against the couch and crosses his legs, willing himself not to think of it. The whole point of this was to take his mind off of their plan, so he won’t be nervous when it’s time.

The movie ends without Jinki making any move. He wants to ask if Jinki still intends on doing anything, but he’s pressed enough to try and assure Jinki he wants this.

Jonghyun purses his lips and stands when the credits roll. “I’m going to get a drink. Do you want anything?”

“Maybe, but I’ve already forgotten what I have.”

Jinki follows him into the kitchen. Jonghyun grabs another beer, then steps aside to give Jinki room to look. As he waits beside the open door and waits for Jinki to grab himself something, he stares at the sink, too shy and frustrated to watch his indecision.

When he hears the fridge door shut, Jinki’s arms loop around his waist.

“Hey,” Jinki says, resting his chin on Jonghyun’s shoulder. “Turns out I’m not thirsty for anything in there.”

Jonghyun gives a weak laugh. He resists the urge to turn and look at him. “Is this your version of flirting?

“Yeah. You still up for something?”

Jonghyun’s heart pounds. His nod brushes his ear against Jinki’s cheek..

“Thought here might be a better place to start,” Jinki mumbles. “It’s not somewhere anyone would normally fuck, and maybe I can get you worked up enough here to keep you from worrying if we want to move somewhere else.”

“Smart,” Jonghyun breathes, skin burning. Jinki holds him tighter, then kisses down his neck, light enough that Jonghyun wonders if he’s actually being touched at all.

His skin buzzes when Jinki stops to shift his collar, giving him better access to place his mouth fully over his neck. When Jinki pauses to sink his teeth in, biting soft and slow, Jonghyun buckles forward, bracing himself against the counter as Jinki slips a thumb under his jeans and cups him with the rest of his palm.

“Alright?” He asks, voice low.

Jonghyun nods, dizzy. Jinki tugs on his hip to make him turn around, then presses him back against the counter. The dark look Jinki gives him through his lashes is enough to make him warm, even with the draft that slips in from the door into the kitchen.

Jinki places a hand on his cheek, then leans in. Jonghyun meets him halfway, too turned on to be nervous over something as simple as a kiss. He clutches at Jinki’s waist as the kiss deepens, needing more than the counter to keep him upright.

He hadn’t expected it to be so intense. Somehow, in all the ways he’d imagined it going, he hadn’t thought of what would come before the things he’d never done before.

When Jinki moves to his neck again, he curls fingers in his shirt and sighs, letting himself ease into the sensation. Jinki’s hands run up and down his sides, pushing up his shirt bit by bit until there’s enough skin exposed for Jinki to trace the fine line of hair when he sinks to his knees.

Goosebumps rise across his skin. Jinki looks so different like this. Though he’d noticed Jinki’s attractiveness from the moment they met — and knew it, from his success at getting around — it’s fresh to him now.

He watches as Jinki’s plush bottom lip catches on the button of his jeans before he moves back up to kiss his torso. “You want to keep standing, or do you want to go to the couch?”

“C-couch,” Jonghyun answers. He doesn’t trust his knees not to give out, and the last thing he wants is to end his first time by collapsing onto a kitchen floor.

Jinki takes his hand and leads him to the living room. He turns around when they reach the couch and cups Jonghyun’s cheek, then kisses him and presses a hand over the crotch of Jonghyun’s jeans. He keeps it there until Jonghyun lets himself fall back onto the cushions. Jinki follows him a grin, taking a chance to kiss him again, then slips down onto the floor on his knees.

Jonghyun watches him, eyes wide. Jinki massages up his thighs and stops with a hand over the button of Jonghyun’s jeans.

“Still want this?” Jinki asks. For some reason, Jonghyun thinks he seems like the more nervous one.

“Yeah,” Jonghyun affirms.

Jinki nods and goes quiet. The TV menu they’d left on plays another preview as he slides down the ground. Jonghyun reaches out to run a hand through Jinki’s hair, needing something to do, but quickly darts his hand back when he feels a tug on his zipper.

He’s really doing this.

Jinki rubs at Jonghyun through his boxers, then pulls him free, eyes on Jonghyun at every step. “You can change your mind at any point.”

“I know,” Jonghyun murmurs, though now that he’s this far, he can’t imagine how or why he would.

Jinki smiles at him, seemingly satisfied, then bends forward to lap at his cock. Jonghyun inhales, too overwhelmed by the heat of it to try and stay quiet to keep his dignity. He manages to steady his breath by the time Jinki has his mouth around him, but that barely lasts. He covers his mouth with his hand mid-moan the first time Jinki closes his lips completely and sucks. Jinki raises his brow at the reaction and smiles around him, then repeats whatever he’d done before.

Jinki shifts on the floor. From the unsteadiness of the motion — and the flutter of Jinki’s lashes as he bobs his head, the low hum in his throat — Jonghyun is certain that he’s enjoying this just as much.

He wants to look at something else — something less erotic, like the shitty previews the TV had switched to after they’d gone idle — but all of it is a reminder of the fact Jinki’s on his knees in front of him.

Jinki’s lips are wet in the dim light. He can hear the soft sound of Jinki’s mouth working on him every time he pulls up and his lips stretch around the head. Every time their eyes meet, his skin warms and his heart flutters harder between embarrassment and excitement. Jinki expects nothing, he knows, but it feels like only a minute passes before he feels himself start to tense, and he can’t find the nerve to admit he’s getting close so quickly.

He places a hand on the bicep Jinki has over his thigh, uncertain of what to do. Maybe Jinki’s experience means he probably can feel that he’s close, somehow, but he doesn’t know for sure, and he doesn’t want to make an assumption and catch Jinki off guard.

“You—uh—”

Jinki pulls off his cock with a knowing grin, hand working at the same pace. “I’ll swallow.”

Jonghyun stares at him, wide-eyed, but closes his eyes when Jinki takes him back into his mouth without another word. He definitely won’t be able to hold out much longer.

He balls his fist against the couch as Jinki’s lips tighten around him in time with his hand. Even with his eyes closed, he can hear the shift in suction every time Jinki pulls back to the head of his cock, but it’s the small hums that do him in — the sensation that comes with it and knowing that Jinki is _that_ into it is too much.

With a breathy curse, he slips a hand into Jinki’s hair when he feels the warning throb before he comes. The contact earns him a louder hum — almost a moan — and his thigh tenses and jerks under Jinki’s hand as the pleasure of his release races through him.

He opens his eyes tentatively once his head is clearer. Jinki watches him carefully and slides his lips back, throat shifting once Jonghyun’s cock falls from his mouth. Jonghyun stares back at him, lost on what to say, and quickly refastens his jeans. His skin is still buzzing with pleasure. And as much as he expected to feel different after, he doesn’t, outside of the urge to pull Jinki closer to him. He’s never experienced that so strongly.

“That was...” he breathes in, hoping to find more words in a pause, but finds none. “Thank you.”

Jinki laughs and climbs back onto the couch with him. “Don’t thank me. You feeling alright about it?”

Jonghyun nods. He lets himself lean against Jinki’s shoulder, figuring he probably won’t mind the contact after everything else they’d done. “I guess it’s all a little weird. But not bad.”

Jinki wraps an arm around him. “That’s good. I was worried, after how you were when you first got here.”

“That was because I thought about it too much,” Jonghyun admits. He feels like his heart should be racing still, but the contact only makes him content. “Kinda feel silly for waiting this long, when it’s not a world-shaking event or anything. It’s much less dramatic than I expected. ”

Jinki turns to pout at him. “ _I_ like to think my blowjobs are a world-shaking event.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that,” Jonghyun grumbles, pinching Jinki’s side and drawing a laugh. “It did feel really good, though.”

“That’s the idea.” Jinki squeezes him closer. Jonghyun melts into it with a small sigh. In all his thinking about sex, he hadn’t thought about what he’d want before, and he certainly hadn’t thought about what he’d want after. But this is nice. Jinki’s shirt is soft, the crook of his shoulder is warm, and the silence is peaceful. He could fall asleep like this, if he let himself.

He’s not sure how much time passes before the phone Jinki had left on the table buzzes loudly, making them flinch. When they sit up to inspect it, a weather alert sits at the center of the screen, warning of an incoming winter storm. Jonghyun stares at it, pulse speeding as he realizes what it means — he can either stay another half-hour and leave, or be stuck overnight.

Jinki’s hand slides off his back slowly. “If you want to go home, you should probably do it soon. Can’t imagine your walk will be easy if it starts snowing out there.”

Jonghyun nods. When he tries to picture the walk back to his apartment, his stomach sinks. He chews his lip and looks up at Jinki. “Is it okay if I don’t want to go home? I don’t want you to think I’m super sentimental — I know what we did doesn’t mean anything, but...”

Jinki lets him trail off, then smiles softly. “It’d feel weird to go?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to just—” Jonghyun gestures vaguely to avoid stumbling over the words for what they’d done. “— you know. And then leave.”

“I get that. Sex can be a vulnerable thing, especially on your first time. I kind of figured you might want to stay.”

“Thanks,” Jonghyun says, relieved. “I know it’s different for you, so I appreciate it.”

“Not always, actually. Depends on the person.”

Jonghyun stares, expecting an explanation or a name — he’d never heard of JInki dating anyone — but Jinki only reaches for the remote.

“I think I’ll want to go to bed soon, since it’s already late. Did you want to stay up any longer?”

“Not really.” He laughs. “I think you made me pretty tired.”

Jinki turns off the TV. “Do you want to sleep on the couch?”

Jonghyun shakes his head. What would be the point of staying if he isn’t even in the same room as Jinki? That seems as strange as going home.

“In my room, then?”

Jonghyun nods. He half expects Jinki to protest — maybe he hadn’t offered it first to avoid sending some sort of romantic signal — but to his surprise, Jinki only grins.

“Alright. I kind of wanted you to, really...” he trails off, suddenly swallowing and pulls away. “I mean, the air mattress is a pain in the ass, and I know no one likes sleeping on a couch.”

“Thanks.”

Jinki shows him to the bathroom attached to his room and points him to a stash of unopened toothbrushes. By the time he’s done, Jinki is in sweats and a loose t-shirt.

He’s left alone while Jinki takes his turn in the bathroom. Jonghyun pulls the sheets of the bed aside and climbs in, feeling awkward despite the invitation. Dozens of people must’ve been in here before, so he’s sure Jinki won’t feel strange about sharing a bed, but he still feels like an intruder.

Through the half opened blinds, he watches the heavy snowfall. Wind blows flakes against the glass, helping them collect in the crevices at the frame of the window. When Jinki returns, he stops to watch the storm with Jonghyun.

“Pretty crazy, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun agrees. “Hope we don’t get snowed in.”

“It wouldn’t be the worst thing. I have plenty of food, and there’s lots of stuff we haven’t done yet.”

Jonghyun’s throat tightens, but he manages a small laugh. He knows it’s a joke, but it’s enough to make him realize that he’d been too caught up in the strange normalness that had followed Jinki blowing him to even offer anything else. That’d been selfish.

“Lights out?” Jinki asks.

Jonghyun nods.

The room darkens with an almost soundless click. He moves to make more space for Jinki on the bed. The dip of the mattress and shift of the sheets as Jinki joins him is enough to make his skin tingle. Jinki’s phone lights the room briefly when he plugs it into the bedside charger. A second later, the room is black again, and he forces himself to roll over to keep from trying to make out Jinki’s face in the dark.

He’d been so tired on the couch, but now all he can think of is what he might be missing. He gives himself a few minutes to see if he settles down, but his restlessness only worsens. The image of Jinki on his knees in front of him is still vivid, and he can’t help but imagine how different the noises he’d make might be if Jonghyun actually touched him.

He holds his breath to listen to Jinki’s, trying to tell without asking whether or not he’s awake.

He doesn’t know what he wants exactly — only to try something more — but he can see what Jinki wants and try and do that.

He turns onto his back, lacking the courage to face Jinki fully. “Are you awake?”

“Mm,” Jinki says, though he doesn’t move. “What’s up?”

“Just thinking,” Jonghyun says. His voice sounds deeper than usual, and clearing his throat doesn't seem to stop it. “About earlier.”

Jinki rolls over to face him. Even in the dark, Jonghyun can see the concern in his eyes. “Are you still feeling alright about it, or...?”

“I’m not thinking about things like that. I mean I’m thinking about what we did.” He pauses, suddenly warm. “And like you said — there’s stuff we haven’t done yet, that I might want to try...”

He hears Jinki’s breathing slow. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun echoes. He moves closer, and after finding his nerve, kisses Jinki lightly. “Is there anything you want?”

“Um.” Jinki stares at him widely. “I think you should set the pace here, don’t you?”

“There’s nothing you want in particular?”

“I’m down for anything with you, really.”

Jonghyun bites his lip, considering. He’d thought Jinki would be more helpful on this.

“What about touching you?” Jonghyun asks. “Is that alright?”

“Yeah,” Jinki breathes. “Whatever you want.”

The openness of the suggestion makes Jonghyun hesitate — does he really want to only do _this_ , if Jinki is willing to do anything — but trying to imagine more makes his thoughts scatter, and his heart is already racing too fast.

He cups Jinki’s cheek to find him more easily in the dark, then leans in and kisses him. Jinki returns it quickly, with a pleased little hum, and that’s enough to outweigh his nerves. He scoots closer, until he can hook an ankle over Jinki’s own, then places a hand on Jinki’s stomach. The fabric of the undershirt Jinki had worn to bed is thin — he’s not sure where the heel of his palm ends and the heat of Jinki’s skin begins.

When he pulls back, Jinki looks at him, dazed and expectant. Jonghyun bites his lip and reaches down, past the waistband of the loose sweatpants Jinki had changed into.

“Hopefully I can’t screw this up, since I’ve done it to myself for years.”

Jinki huffs a laugh against his cheek. “You’d be surprised. But I trust you.”

“Thanks,” Jonghyun murmurs.

Jinki shifts closer, making it easier to take all of him in hand. Jonghyun’s body heats as he wraps his fingers around Jinki’s shaft — he hadn’t expected it to already be so firm — and slowly tightens his grip until he can feel every pulse. He starts slow, knowing the friction of his palm might be too much before his hand gets properly slick with precome, but each movement makes Jinki’s breath more ragged.

“Okay?” Jonghyun asks, suddenly nervous.

“Yeah,” Jinki breathes, kissing Jonghyun quickly. “It’s good. Don’t worry too much.”

Jonghyun nods and adjusts his grip, letting some of the wetness from the tip of Jinki’s cock cover his palm before giving him a long, slow stroke. He watches Jinki’s face through it, fixated on every reaction he draws. The next time Jinki kisses him, there’s a moan against his lips that makes Jonghyun’s hand speed on instinct. 

Jinki’s fingers curl against his sides. He presses closer to Jonghyun, deepening their kiss until he has to pull back for air. He meets Jonghyun’s eyes. “If you keep doing that, I’m going to come.”

Jonghyun smiles, excitement at the words erasing any of his remaining self-consciousness. “That’s the point, isn’t it?”

Jinki breathes out a laugh. “Yeah.”

“Then I’m not stopping.”

Jinki clutches him tighter. Jonghyun tilts his head to run his lips along Jinki’s neck, drawing a new, desperate sound that makes him repeat the pattern until Jinki dips down to kiss him again. All it takes is a single slip of his tongue into Jinki’s mouth to make Jinki curse, and another to make him come. Jonghyun feels it instantly — the throb inside his fist, the wetness on his fingers, and still of Jinki’s lips against his — and doesn’t slow his hand until Jinki’s breathing slows and evens.

“Fuck.” Jinki blinks hard, then smiles at him shyly. “Are you sure you wanted to do that?”

“It’s only fair,” Jonghyun says. Jinki frowns at him before he quickly adds, “and I wanted to.”

Jinki hums and taps on the arm Jonghyun still has inside his sweats. “You can go ahead and wipe everything on my clothes. I’ll need to change either way.”

Jonghyun rubs his hand against the inside of Jinki’s boxers until he’s certain they’re clean, then pulls it free. When Jinki rolls away, he reaches into his own pajamas to adjust himself — despite the lack of contact, he’s hard from getting Jinki off. He watches Jinki change, pulse picking up at in the brief moment where he’s half-undressed, but forces his eyes away before Jinki returns to the bed. Part of him wonders if Jinki normally bothers with wearing anything to bed after a hookup, but another part of him doesn’t want to know or think of it.

“I have to say, that surprised me,” Jinki says, startling Jonghyun when he throws an arm over his waist.

“Why?”

“I guess I didn’t expect anything, since you seemed so nervous about being bad at things earlier. You’re sure you enjoyed it?”

Instead of answering, Jonghyun scoots closer to press himself against Jinki’s thigh to let him feel it. “Stop worrying. I’m the one that started it.”

“Oh.” Jinki’s eyes go wide. “You’re hard just from that?”

Jonghyun flushes — maybe he shouldn’t have admitted to getting excited so easily.

“Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not, trust me,” Jinki says, smiling. “You getting excited from that is a hell of a compliment. Do you want me to do something for you again?”

He shakes his head, though the offer makes him want to nod. He should give himself time to adjust step-by-step — as certain as he is he’d enjoyed the night, he has no idea how he’ll feel once the fact he’d lost his virginity sinks in — and he doesn’t trust himself not to leap into everything in one night.

“It’s already late,” Jonghyun says. “And I don’t want to try everything on the same day.”

Jinki licks his lips, then nods. “Alright. Just tell me if there’s anything you want.”

A hand hesitates over his cheek before Jinki leans in. He ends up only kissing the corner of Jonghyun’s lips, but somehow, that only leaves more goosebumps along his skin. His face burns. He forces himself to meet Jinki’s eyes as he pulls away, though it does nothing to settle the flutter in his chest.

Jinki sends him a small smile. “Well, uh — good night, then.”

“Good night,” Jonghyun echoes.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, Jinki makes him breakfast. He doesn’t bring up the previous night — except to ask yet again if Jonghyun is okay — and he doesn’t protest when Jonghyun mentions returning home now that the storm had ended.

If Jonghyun is honest with himself, he still doesn’t want to leave. But he doesn’t want Jinki to think he’s overly clingy, either.

He helps Jinki clean up after breakfast before walking back to his apartment, then sits at his desk the instant he has his jacket off. He flips through his theory book, skimming for things he’ll need to know for his comprehensive exam at the end of the year, but manages to read nothing. After opening his laptop and making another few attempts at productivity, he rests his head over the keys with a defeated sigh.

He’d thought once he got out of Jinki’s apartment and pushed the fact he had sex for the first time in his life to the back of his mind, he’d be normal. He’d almost _expected_ he’d need the space, after something so new — but instead of reading, he’s fiddling with his phone, all because he’s expecting — and almost hoping — for Jinki to message him.

A shower might clear his head, and he needs one anyways. He turns on the water as hot as he can stand it and steps in, grateful that he won’t have to save any of it for Minho. He washes up quickly, then lets himself lean against the shower wall and enjoy the warmth. With the heel of his hand, he massages the back of his neck, trying to unwork the lingering soreness that’d built up during his final project. Maybe he could ask Jinki to do that for him, the next time they see each other —

He scowls at himself and shuts off the water to end the thought. He’s known Jinki for over a year now and had never given him this much thought before. They’re entirely incompatible, regardless of how well they get along. Jinki likes to sleep around, Jonghyun doesn’t. The butterflies in his stomach from the first time Jinki had hit on him and he’d learned how much they had in common died the instant it became apparent he’d flirt with anyone.

His phone buzzes on the counter, startling him. He hurries out of the shower and runs his hands along the towel hanging from the wall hook, drying them enough to allow him to unlock his phone and not bothering with anything else, then opens the message.

Jinki: How’s your day so far?

Jonghyun’s bites his lip. The first thing that he wants to type is _I want to come over_ , but he doesn’t want to seem desperate, even if that might assure Jinki’s earlier worries about him regretting things.

Jonghyun: Pretty good. But bored. I tried to review theory, but I couldn’t get any work done.

Jinki: It’s the break.

Jinki: You should be doing fun things.

Jinki. Like me, for example. :)

Jonghyun: Lol

Jonghyun: You don’t have any plans?

Jinki: Nope. Planned on spending the break relaxing and trying new recipes. Maybe I’ll do a few hours of research, but that’s it.

Jinki: You want to come over again?

Jinki: And the other kind of come, maybe

Jonghyun: Am I going to suffer through these jokes constantly now?

Jinki: Maybe.

He sends back an _I’ll head over then_ before Jinki can even follow the message with a winky face.

Maybe he’s desperate. But maybe that’s normal. Who wouldn’t be excited to do more after having sex the first time?

He picks an outfit and hides his toothbrush in the deep pockets of his jacket, then steps out. When he reaches Jinki’s apartment, it only takes a single knock before he hears the lock unclick.

“That was fast,” Jinki teases. His hair is wet, and his shirt is damp, as if he’d rushed to dress straight after a shower.

Jonghyun huffs and shuts the door behind him, not wanting Jinki to get cold. “You said I could come over, and I _did_ send a warning.” 

“I’m not complaining, trust me.” Jinki reaches for his scarf and untucks it, then starts on the zipper of his jacket. Jonghyun watches Jinki’s fingers to avoid looking at his lips. He already wants to kiss him, and his mind races as he tries to think of what he wants.

After his jacket is open, Jinki cups his cheek and smiles. “Do you want to try anything new?”

“Maybe,” Jonghyun breathes. “Do you?”

“I meant it when I said I’m up for anything. If you want to fuck, I have condoms.”

“That, uh—” Jonghyun pauses. The idea is almost too appealing. And as sure as he is that Jinki won’t care if he lasts only a minute, he’d rather not face that embarrassment yet.

He swallows. “I think I want to work up to that. Maybe in a few days?”

“Whatever you want.” Jinki smiles and kisses him. He reaches inside of Jonghyun’s jacket and slides a hand around to grip his ass. “Couch or my room?” 

***

Jonghyun spends the day with Jinki. And the night. And the next day. They fall into a routine over the week, though Jonghyun doesn’t have the nerve to acknowledge it. He only comes over with his toothbrush, hidden in his jacket, and leaves late the next morning only to return in the afternoon.

After a few days, he tries to break the pattern by napping the instant he gets back to his apartment. It’s easy to fall asleep — he’d fooled around with Jinki right after waking up, then helped Jinki with cooking a big breakfast that keeps his stomach full on the way home.

He manages to nap until four by smashing snooze twelve times in a row. On the thirteenth time he reaches blearily for his phone, he realizes it’s not the alarm, but his ringtone. He snatches up his phone and answers.

“Hello?”

“It’s Jinki,” Jinki says. Jonghyun can see the teasing smile in his voice. “Did I wake you up?”

“Mm. Kind of, but I shouldn’t have let myself sleep this long. I won’t be able to tonight.”

Jinki laughs. “Oh, I think that’s fine. I’m guessing you're coming over again tonight?”

“Uh.” He hadn’t thought about it — not consciously — but he’d avoided picking up groceries for his apartment on the way home because he thought he wouldn’t be there. Jonghyun clears his throat. “Is that okay? If you’re busy or don’t want me over, that’s alright. I know I’ve been there a lot lately...”

“I’m not busy, and I definitely don’t mind. I’m just at the store and thought I’d see what you’d like to have for dinner. I’ll get the ingredients.”

“Oh.” Jonghyun runs a hand through his hair as he tries to think. “I’m fine with whatever. But fried rice, I guess? I haven’t had any that’s good for a while, since there’s only one restaurant on the other side of town and they don’t deliver...”

“Alright, I’ll make that for you. Is any kind of meat alright?”

“Yeah. I don’t mind meatless or cheap stuff either. It’s what I’m used to.”

Jinki laughs. “I’m not going to be cheap if I’m cooking for you. That wouldn’t be nice.”

Jonghyun flushes, uncertain of what to say. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” In the background of the call, Jonghyun hears the rattle of a shopping cart rolling forward. “I’ll try and finish shopping quickly, but I should be done in an hour or so. You can head over anytime after that.”

“Sure, yeah,” Jonghyun says.

When Jinki gives him a short _later, then_ , Jonghyun hangs up and stares at the wall.

Jinki had been cooked for him a few times now — but this feels different. He isn’t just over there when dinnertime happens to arrive. Jinki’s going out of his way to get ingredients for something he likes. Was this just Jinki being friendly, since they were stuck alone in town for the holiday season? Does Jinki do that with every guy he sleeps with?

He buries his face in his pillow and curses himself for wondering. He shouldn’t be, because it doesn’t matter.

But when he picks up his phone and sees the date — 24th, same as it had been that morning, but the first time he’d noticed — he finds it hard not to retrace his thoughts. Maybe that’s significant. Neither of them are religious. But here, every store is caught up in the fun of it, and back home, most people he knows that don’t care for church spend the time with their partner.

The realization makes his pulse quicken. Jinki wouldn’t see it that way, would he?

 _He’s being friendly_ , Jonghyun tells himself. Whether or not they started sleeping together, they’d probably be spending the time together. Jinki had asked him to hang out plenty of times before Jonghyun had put that on the table.

Not wanting to give in to the part of him that wants to race over immediately, Jonghyun waits two hours. He tries on different shirts until he settles on an outfit, then sits in the kitchen chair closest to the door and plays on his phone until the clock reaches the deadline he’d set in his head.

When he arrives, Jinki opens the door with his usual smile and a spatula in hand. “Good timing. Food’s nearly done.”

“Great.” Jonghyun steps inside. He looks down at his boots as he taps the last of the snow off them. “Did you realize it’s already Christmas Eve?” 

Jinki laughs and returns to the stove. “I did, yeah. It’s kind of hard to miss it, considering there’s decorations everywhere. Did you not notice?”

“I just didn’t think about it, really, since I didn’t have plans...”

“Well, you can spend it with me. And tomorrow, too.”

Jonghyun snaps his eyes up. Jinki’s smile falters.

“If you don’t want to, that’s—”

“No, I do!” Jonghyun interrupts. “I mean — it’s not like I have other plans.” He winces when he realizes how that sounds. “It’ll be nice to spend it with someone, since it’s always a couple’s holiday.”

Jinki looks back to the stove, smile now gone completely. “Yeah.”

 _That was worse,_ Jonghyun thinks, throat tightening at the shortness. _Sounded too romantic._

He hurries to remove his jacket and flings it over the nearby chair, then steps into the kitchen and loops an arm around Jinki’s waist and squeezes. He’s still not used to initiating, but it’s gotten easier. “I’m guessing you’ll want to do something fun after dinner.”

Jinki’s grin returns, untangling the knot in Jonghyun’s stomach.

“Oh, definitely.”


	6. Chapter 6

After dinner, Jonghyun helps Jinki clean up the kitchen, then they sit down on the couch to waste time with television until their food settles.

Jonghyun has two beers — just enough to make him warm and a little brave — but stops there. After downing the last drops of the second, he buries his face against Jinki’s neck and kisses along his collar.

Immediately, Jinki shifts to face him with a smile. Jonghyun gets only a glimpse of it before Jinki’s lips are against his, and that’s enough to spur him to climb into Jinki’s lap. He shivers as Jinki’s fingers run up his shirt and along his back, tracing the sensitive spots he’d somehow already memorized despite Jonghyun not even knowing they existed before now.

When Jinki moves to kiss down his neck, he grinds down and clutches at Jinki’s shoulders. It’s easy to find a rhythm in this part — Jonghyun presses himself against Jinki as Jinki pushes up, but it always stops when Jinki slips a hand into his boxers or he slides down onto his knees. This time, he wants to come with Jinki moving against him — and not with anything between them, either.

He pulls back to look at Jinki. “Can we try something new tonight?”

“Of course,” Jinki says, gaze sharp with eagerness. “What’re you thinking?”

Jonghyun forces himself to speak before he can lose the courage. “Fucking. Maybe.” The word sounds strange out of his mouth, but the way Jinki’s hands tighten on his hips is enough to make him not care.

“Okay, yeah.” Jinki licks his lips. The anticipation in his gaze makes Jonghyun’s skin heat. “That’s definitely something we should do in bed.”

Jonghyun nods and climbs off the couch. Jinki scrambles after him with a haste that Jonghyun can’t help but laugh at. A second later, they’re in Jinki’s room with only the hall light to illuminate them.

Every other time they’d done things, Jinki’s turned on the bedroom lights, but he makes no move to it now. Jonghyun doesn’t ask him to — if he’s going to be on his back, it’ll be better not to have the glare in his eyes.

Jinki reaches between them and unfastens Jonghyun’s zipper, then slips hands up under his shirt to remove it when Jonghyun bends down to step out of his jeans. Jonghyun gets Jinki of his clothes just as quickly and pushes him back towards the bed. When they reach the edge, Jinki pulls him close and distracts him with a kiss before spinning them around to seat Jonghyun on the mattress. 

He hooks a finger in the elastic of Jonghyun’s boxers and tugs on them with a sly grin. “I assume I can take these off?”

“You’ve already seen everything once.”

“A few times, actually,” Jinki corrects.

The first few times he’d been fully bare in front of Jinki, he’d had to fight the urge to cover himself. Now, he understands what Jinki meant when he had said his excitement outweighed any worries.

“Which way do you want this to go?”

“Guess,” Jonghyun teases.

Jinki hums. He stands and pulls of his boxers, then crawls up on the bed and hovers over Jonghyun. Jonghyun bites his lip when he feels Jinki’s cock brush up against his stomach.

“You want me to fuck you, probably?” Jinki asks, still far enough above him for Jonghyun to not feel anything else.

Jonghyun nods, words caught in his throat. Jinki rests a hand on his hip and moves it down, squeezing him briefly before moving back under his thighs. He gasps when Jinki’s fingertips dig in, then jolts when he feels them brush against his hole.

“Wait,” Jonghyun says. “Shouldn’t we, uh—have more steps? Protection? Testing?”

“I always have condoms,” Jinki says. He rolls away to open a drawer and pulls out an already-opened box of condoms and a bottle of lube. “As for the testing, I got that done recently, remember? You want to see the paperwork?”

Jonghyun flushes. That talk had been right before he’d gone down on Jinki for the first time. It’d been easy to forget. 

“Right. You did say that.”

Jinki grins and kisses him. “I can assure you, the only thing they found was that I have a larger than average dick, but I hear that every time.”

Jonghyun rolls his eyes. “They don’t test for that. Or measure, even.”

“You’ve never been tested, so how would you know?”

He scoffs and nudges Jinki with his foot. “Keep joking about my inexperience and I’m going to change my mind about this.”

“Sorry,” Jinki says, and to Jonghyun’s surprise, it sounds genuine. “I don’t mean anything by it. I’m just trying to keep things light so you don’t get nervous.”

Jonghyun stares at him, heart suddenly in his throat. The first time Jinki had shown his consideration, it’d been reassuring. Now it almost makes him more anxious. Not because he doesn’t appreciate it, but because of how his pulse skips stupidly at the words.

He hides his reaction behind a smile. “Thanks. I think I’m getting better about this, though.”

“It does seem like it,” Jinki agrees.

The cap of the lube bottle opens with a flick of Jinki’s thumb. Jonghyun pulls his lip between his teeth and watches as Jinki coats his fingers. Before Jinki can say anything, Jonghyun looks away and spreads his thighs wider, then snatches Jinki’s wrist and guides it between his legs.

A muffled noise of surprise catches in Jinki’s throat — Jonghyun’s certain Jinki didn’t expect him to lead in any way — but he wants this part over with. When Jinki’s fingertips press up against him quickly, Jonghyun nods in encouragement.

“I’ve done this before, so...”

“Often?” Jinki asks, pressing in a single finger easily. “Use toys or anything?”

Jonghyun’s eyes flutter shut at the sensation. “Are you asking because it matters, or because you’re fantasizing about it?”

“I’m not going to fantasize, when you’re right here with me, and I’m so close to fucking you,” Jinki teases. “But maybe later, when all I have is my hand, sure.”

Jonghyun tries to respond, but his words stutter out when Jinki crooks his finger. He doesn’t want to admit how much the idea flatters him.

He clutches the sheets when Jinki adds his second finger and pushes against him. All he wants to do is concentrate on relaxing and letting Jinki stretch him, but it’s hard to think through the pleasure of it. His hips cant up when Jinki reaches for his cock and strokes it, distracting him again. He grabs Jinki’s forearm to slow him, needing a pause to manage words.

“How much longer do you want to do this?”

Jinki stops completely and smiles at him. “I think you’re ready, but you seemed to be enjoying it. Do you want to stop?”

“I told you I wanted to fuck,” Jonghyun says, urgency making him shameless. “Can we?”

Jinki nods, eager. He pulls his fingers out slowly, giving Jonghyun time to adjust, then reaches for the condom box he’d tossed aside earlier and digs one out. Jinki flashes the wrapper at him. His finger points to the _magnum_ text plastered diagonally across the surface before he tears it open.

Jonghyun laughs. “Why are you bragging about something you didn’t even work for?”

“Helps me cope with the shit my advisor says about my dissertation proposal.”

“You are _not_ ruining my first time being fucked by bringing up school,” Jonghyun complains, tugging Jinki back down over him. When Jinki grins, Jonghyun leans up and kisses him. Jinki returns it, soft and slow. Jonghyun feels his hand move down between them and glances down to see Jinki lining himself up.

“Still want this?”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun breathes. Knowing it’s coming brings his nerves back again, so he tries to distract himself by running his hands over Jinki’s back and continuing the kiss he had started. His eyes squeeze shut at the first pressure — Jinki had stretched him plenty with two fingers, but that doesn’t seem to add up to his actual width — and he can’t bite back the curse that escapes when Jinki pushes past the rim.

Jinki pulls back and runs a hand over his cheek. “That a good gasp, or...?”

“It’s a lot to adjust to,” Jonghyun pants.

“Relax a little more,” Jinki breathes, pressing kisses against his neck. “I can feel you tensing up, that’ll make it uncomfortable.”

“I know,” Jonghyun huffs. “Maybe you should try having a smaller dick.”

Jinki snickers. “Can’t do that, sorry.”

“Then distract me.”

Jinki’s mouth covers his neck again, this time sinking his teeth in and starting a mark under his jaw. Jonghyun closes his eyes and exhales, letting himself relax. Jinki kisses over Jonghyun’s now-tender skin and pushes in further, until Jonghyun clutches him again — only this time, his fingers curl because the stretch is too good.

He must’ve moaned without realizing it, because he feels Jinki grin against his neck. “No more complaints about my size?”

“Just took a bit. You can move now.”

“You’re going to be spoiled after this,” Jinki teases. “You know that?”

Jonghyun tries to send a glare when Jinki rises onto his elbows, but it only turns into a grin. Jinki smiles back at him and noses his cheek once before shifting his hips.

“I can fuck you now, right?”

“Yeah.”

Jonghyun draws his legs closer to himself and grips Jinki’s shoulders. Jinki places a hand over his on the mattress and laces their fingers together, then smiles at him softly and starts to move. Jonghyun’s breath hitches. He closes his eyes as Jinki pushes in, too afraid to meet his eyes when his heart is beating fast for all the wrong reasons.

Quickly, the pleasure of Jinki pushing into him is enough to shove the thought from his mind. His heels shake against the back of Jinki’s thighs as he buries a moan into the crook of Jinki’s neck. The noise makes Jinki fuck into him harder.

“Too much?” Jinki’s voice is rough with concentration.

Jonghyun shakes his head, not wanting to bother with words. He reaches for the pillow beside him and tugs it closer, burying his face into the side of it to muffle the curses he can’t seem to stop. From the corner of his eye, he sees Jinki watching him intently, face flushed with exertion and arousal. Jonghyun isn’t sure how he’ll get close, or even if he wants to — every movement makes him dizzy with how good it feels, and he doesn’t want to give that up so soon.

Jinki dips down to run lips along his jaw. “You feel too good — I’ll either have to slow down, or—”

“Don’t slow down,” Jonghyun cuts him off, all thoughts of prolonging things gone. Knowing Jinki might come with him is enough to make him not care.

Jinki nods against his cheek, then turns to meet Jonghyun’s lips. Jonghyun holds Jinki tighter against him, pulse speeding with every sharp breath that falls against his mouth. When Jinki’s movement stutters, Jonghyun’s mind goes blank as his body overheats. He tenses through his orgasm, lost in the sensation, and only registers that Jinki had gone still against him when their kiss slows.

Jinki’s weight presses down on him fully, but it takes a full minute before he’s bothered enough to make Jinki move. He nudges clumsily at Jinki’s shoulder with the palm of his hand until he sits back and pulls out of him. Jonghyun watches Jinki stumble off of the bed and toss the condom into a trash bin, then shuffle back to him.

He falls onto his back next to Jonghyun with a grin.

“You know that’s not going to happen every time.”

Jonghyun blinks at him slowly, still too dazed to understand a full sentence. “Huh?”

“Coming together. It’s not something that happens often.”

Jonghyun laughs, breathless. “Even though you're so good at this?”

“Even so,” Jinki says, mockingly solemn. “We can try and perfect it, though.”

Jonghyun turns to face Jinki. They exchange short smiles and a quiet laugh, then look back at the ceiling.

It must’ve been a minute since Jinki moved off of him, but his skin is still buzzing from the contact of Jinki against him.

It’s not how he’d ever imagined his first time would go.

Like their time in the living room — it had felt like everything and nothing at the same time. He wants more, even if it’s left him with a gnawing hole in his stomach when he thinks of how little it’d meant.

He closes his eyes, trying to bask in whatever contentment he can. He’d known he’d given up on a romantic first time by asking Jinki for this. And he assumed a part of him would be bothered by that after — that he’d made some compromise and would always wonder what it would’ve been like if he’d waited.

Isn’t it better that it’d been so easy?

The hard part of this is sorting out his feelings, but time should help with that. Maybe if he does this enough times, and the newness fades, he’ll realize all his feelings are nothing more than stupid hormones borne of his inexperience.

He startles when Jinki’s pinky skims against his hip.

“So,” he starts, “How long do you want to keep doing this?”

Jonghyun rolls over to face. “What do you mean by ‘this’?”

“What we’ve been doing over the break,” Jinki says. “I guess you could call it a friends-with-benefits thing.”

“Oh, uh — I don’t see any reason to stop,” Jonghyun lies. The way hearing _friends with benefits_ makes his throat tighten is reason enough, but he’s not going to listen to that. “I’m enjoying it.” 

“I am, too.” Jinki looks up at the ceiling, then exhales deeply. “I guess we’re officially friends with benefits, then.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun agrees, half-hearted.

They both stare at the ceiling in silence. After a minute, Jinki turns towards him again.

“You don’t sound happy about it,” Jinki observes. “Are you sure you want all this?”

Jonghyun bites his lip and sighs, too afraid to look Jinki in the eyes. “It’s not that I’m unhappy. I just — it’s all new. What if I catch feelings or something? I don’t know how to handle any of that,” he says, as if the idea were entirely hypothetical.

Jinki props himself up on an elbow and leans closer. “Have you?”

“No,” Jonghyun lies, too self-conscious under the inspection to tell the truth. “I went into this whole thing expecting nothing, knowing it would mean nothing, but still — I don’t know. After how much I built up my first time, wouldn’t it make sense if I get attached eventually? I’ve never done this with anyone else, so...”

“If that happens, you can tell me. We’ll figure it out.”

“How? What would we do? It’s all complicated.”

“Yeah,” Jinki agrees with a dry laugh. “Sex is like that sometimes. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, though.”

“Have you ever had that issue?” Jonghyun asks. “Getting attached to someone you’ve slept with? Or someone getting attached to you?”

“I guess.”

“What did you do?”

Jinki rolls onto his back to stare at the ceiling again. “Nothing, really. Maybe I should have brought it up, but I didn’t want to mess with something that was making me happy. Even knowing it might blow up in my face, it’s hard to stop.”

Jonghyun hums an agreement. He’s starting to understand that more and more.

“I can see how it’d be hard to.”

“Yeah.”


	7. Chapter 7

The blare of Jonghyun’s ringtone wakes him with a start.

Half-asleep, Jonghyun fumbles for his phone in the dark to turn it off, but stops when he sees his sister's name and a request to video chat. He grabs the phone and tugs on a shirt, then hurries out of the room, checking once over his shoulder to ensure Jinki is still sleeping before shutting the door behind him.

“Hey,” he says, picking up the call. It’s dark enough that they shouldn't be able to see much. “Just give me a second to find the lights.”

He flicks on the switch in the living room and runs a hand through his hair until it’s smooth enough to be presentable. Sleep hair’s expected, he’s sure, but the paranoid part of him worries that if his mother is on the call, she’d be able to sense his hair is mussed from more than just sleep.

When he turns the camera towards him and waves to his sister on-screen, she pulls the phone back far enough to put her and their mother in view. She smiles at him. “Merry Christmas, Jonghyun — we just got back from service. I hope we didn’t wake you.”

“You did, but that’s fine. Merry Christmas to you, too.”

“I’m used to you being awake at this hour...” His mom trails off. “Are you sure you don’t want to go back to bed?”

“No, it’s fine. I’d rather talk. I miss you.”

“We miss you too,” she says. Her gaze seems to shift past him to the wall Jinki had decorated with posters of puns meant for music classrooms. “Where are you, anyway? That doesn’t look like your apartment.”

“A friend’s house,” Jonghyun answers quickly. Which isn’t a lie, even if it feels like one. “He’s stuck here for the holidays, too, so we’ve been hanging out.”

The camera shifts as Sodam adjusts her hold on the phone. “Oh? Which friend?”

“Jinki. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about him before. He’s doing his doctorate in conducting.”

“I think I remember you mentioning him being pretty popular,” she says with a raised brow, likely not wanting to give the details in front of their mom.

“Yeah, that’s him,” Jonghyun says, wanting to move on. He’d mentioned Jinki at some point, he remembers, because he’d been so excited to meet someone in an adjacent program that had so much in common with him. That had been enough to make Sodam push for an explanation of why Jonghyun hadn’t asked him out already.

“Well, I hope you two are having fun,” his mom says, smiling wide. Jonghyun suppresses a laugh. “Are you going to do anything special for Christmas?”

“Maybe? I’m not sure — Jinki’s likes cooking, and he’s better than me at it, so it’d be up to him.”

“You should figure it out soon. Most of the stores will probably close early tomorrow, if they aren’t already.”

“Yeah, we probably should...” Jonghyun cuts himself off when he sees the door to Jinki’s bedroom open behind him in the camera. He looks over his shoulder, panicked — he’s fairly certain Jinki had fallen asleep in only his pajama pants — but to his relief, sees that Jinki had pulled a shirt on before stepping into the living room.

“I heard you talking to someone.” Jinki shuffles towards him and rubs his eyes. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just my family,” Jonghyun says. That should be enough to keep Jinki from cursing or talking about their last few days. “It’s already Christmas over there, so they wanted to call.”

“Oh.” Jinki shuffles towards the couch until he’s in view, then smiles at them sleepily and bows to the camera. “Sorry for interrupting. I’ll head out.”

His mom laughs. “Don’t be sorry, we’re the ones that woke you up. You can stay if you like, we’re not talking about anything serious.”

Jonghyun glances at Jinki to give him an encouraging smile. Jinki scoots closer and rests his elbows on the back of the couch to lean over Jonghyun. “Thank you. I think I’ll stay up, then.”

“I should be thanking you for spending time with Jonghyun over the holiday. I was worried about him being lonely.”

The back of Jonghyun’s neck warms when Jinki smiles. “You don’t need to thank me. We’re friends, and I’m benefiting from his company, too.”

“No girlfriend?” Sodam asks.

“No,” Jinki laughs. Jonghyun isn’t sure why she’d ask, when Jinki might answer that question with a _no_ regardless of his relationship status.

“Well, I’m glad you have each other then,” his mother says. “Jonghyun said you’re a good cook. Are you making him anything fancy for Christmas dinner?”

Jonghyun’s cheeks warm. Hopefully, the camera isn’t good enough to make his flush visible. “He’s not cooking _for_ me, mom.”

Jinki places a hand on the shoulder that had moved off-camera when he’d shifted to fit both their faces in the shot. “I planned on it, actually. Don’t know if he’ll like it, since I’m following a recipe an American kid gave me for a whole turkey, but if it works out, we’ll have enough meat left to tide us over for a few weeks.”

Sodam leans towards the camera with a grin. “Either way, I’m sure he’ll be happy not to cook.”

“I don’t hate it,” Jonghyun grumbles. “You know I always help with the side dishes.”

“Yeah, the things that can’t get messed up as easily.”

Jonghyun sticks out his tongue at her, making her laugh. Over the next half-hour, they continue to talk about food for the holidays and catch up on daily life, with Jinki dropping in the occasional opinion or anecdote. Sodam lets them go to help his mother cook dinner, and after a few rounds of good-byes, Jonghyun hangs up.

He sighs and turns to face Jinki. “Sorry about that.”

“Why’re you sorry? Your family’s nice.”

“Still woke you up, though.”

Jinki shrugs. “It’s fine, we can just sleep in.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun agrees. Jinki walks to his room, shirt still sleep-rumpled and one pant leg tugged up awkwardly around his calf. Jonghyun follows after and climbs into bed with him.

It feels strange in a way it hadn’t before. Probably because the little world they’d created in Jinki’s apartment had just opened up. And that only makes him realize how much stronger the pull towards Jinki feels in his chest. He replays their conversation earlier in his mind.Jinki had told him to be honest if he caught feelings.

With how cautious Jinki had been about his emotions, he _knows_ Jinki would stop sleeping with him the moment he was honest about how he was starting to feel. He’d thought it would be fine to sleep with Jinki, since the man never committed to anyone — it’d stay casual — but he hadn’t accounted for himself. And now he’s the one getting attached. It’s his own fault, and he doesn’t want to give up this closeness that he’s grown to enjoy, even if it’s not everything he wants. 

“Can’t go back to sleep?”

Jonghyun startles. He hadn’t expected Jinki to still be awake.

“Having trouble, I guess.”

“Missing your family?”

“Yeah,” he lies. It’s true, but it’s not what he’s worrying over.

“I’m sorry.” Jinki turns and loops an arm over his waist, tugging them together closer until his chest is pressed against Jonghyun’s back.

He holds his breath, expecting a joke or an offer — “sex will help you sleep, you know” as an “I’ll take your mind off things” — but none comes. His heart pounds until his tiredness takes over, and even then, the warmth he’s left with sits uncomfortably in his stomach. He shouldn’t sleep peacefully like this, in Jinki’s arms, when he knows he’s feeling something so different than what Jinki is. But he does.


	8. Chapter 8

The strange period between Christmas and New Years leaves Jonghyun lost. He knows he should use that time to put space between him and Jinki. Sex had been fun, for sure, but he doesn’t want to spend his next semester pining stupidly over someone. He’s lived without sex for all his life. It should be easy to give it up again.

It isn’t.

When Jinki texts him the afternoon of the 26th, it’s an invite to his apartment. And the day after that, it’s a short chat that leads Jonghyun to invite himself over. He packs few changes of clothes with him, figuring if he’s unable to restrain himself, he might as well plan for an overnight stay.

Jinki doesn’t comment on the bag he brings, though the smile Jinki gives when he sees it makes Jonghyun’s stomach flip. The combination of sex and food and TV is enough to keep him distracted from his feelings for a few days, but they still slip through when he least expects it: when Jinki is shirtless, back towards turn him, and cooking them breakfast; when they’re watching a terrible show because they’ve exhausted everything else, and Jinki kisses his shoulder and pauses it at the same time; and every time, when they’re done and breathless and he’s wondering _again_ how he’d gotten so comfortable being fucked so quickly after avoiding it for years.

One of those afternoons, Jinki rolls over onto him and squeezes his waist. “You want to go out drinking tonight? For New Years?”

Jonghyun stares at Jinki, heart skipping a beat. A stupid part of him floats at the thought of Jinki being affectionate with him in public. Maybe this meant something. Or it could at least make it easier to bring up his feelings. Someone might ask about them, forcing the topic of _what are we_ , and he wouldn’t have to do the work.

He swallows. “Up to you. Do you want to go out?”

“It couldn’t hurt. We _have_ spent the last few days holed up in here.” Jinki laughs. “Not that I mind, of course. But it’d be a chance to wash my sheets.”

“Good point.” Jonghyun drapes an arm over Jinki. “We’ll have to get out of bed for you to do that.”

“I know. After a nap,” Jinki grumbles, already burying deeper against his chest. “I’ll do it then.”

***

They wake up just past sunset. Jonghyun changes into his single remaining pair of clean clothes as Jinki peels the sheets off the bed and gets dressed. As Jinki gets the last of his things, he waits by the door and bundles himself in his jacket and scarf. He grins at Jonghyun and pulls on his own thick coat.

“You know, I have a car, and no one else is here,” Jinki says, tugging on his coat. “Should we go to the gay bar for a change?”

“I don’t know — I figure you’ll want to drink,” Jonghyun says, thinking of an excuse. He’d used to enjoy watching Jinki flirt, but he knows he wouldn’t enjoy it now. “How about Countless instead? So we can walk?”

“Sure, yeah. I’m fine with anything.”

The trip to Countless is quiet. Jinki talks some about the food he plans on making the next morning, but the conversation peeters out quickly, which is Jonghyun’s fault. He’s too busy fighting the urge to reach for Jinki’s hand and drag them back to Jinki’s apartment. He wants to think going out in public together means something, but the idea that nothing will happen — that Jinki will treat him the same as he always does, with kindness and friendliness and nothing more, makes him long for the small bedroom.

Jinki buys him a drink the instant they’re in the door. They find a corner in the crowded bar, then settle in against the wall. It’s another awkward minute without conversation before Jinki nudges him.

“Have you ever spent New Years Eve with anyone before?”

Jonghyun finishes a sip of his beer. “Other than family? No.”

“Well, I’m honored to take your New-Years-Eve virginity too.”

It’s a bad joke, but Jonghyun still laughs. “Thanks, I think.”

Jinki smiles at him easily. “You know, I was thinking—”

“Jinki! Didn’t think I’d see you here tonight!”

Jonghyun watches wide-eyed as the man that’d spotted Jinki approaches him. How many people did Jinki know?

Jinki laughs and pats the man on the shoulder. “What about you? Why aren’t you at the gay bar?”

“Friend’s getting proposed to tonight, though she doesn’t know it. Have to prioritize that over getting laid, I guess.”

Jonghyun sizes the man up as their conversation continues. He’s tall and handsome, with a wide smile, broad nose, and thick forearms. From his accent, Jonghyun can tell he’s American. Not that it matters. The jealousy curling in his stomach would be there regardless.

At some point, Jinki makes introductions. Jonghyun misses the man’s name under the drone of music and conversation around them, but he nods along as if he’d heard it. Jinki tries to include him in the conversation, but it’s about people he doesn’t know and events he’s never heard of, so he barely follows.

He doesn’t know if the guy is another of Jinki’s old hookups, though it’s likely. And he shouldn’t care. Circles are small. Especially in a college town with a single gay bar. It isn’t like the guy is something to Jinki that he isn’t—but that’s what makes him want to turn and disappear. He’s another hook up, and now that’s the last thing he wants to be.

“Going to go get another drink,” he excuses himself.

His heart pounds as he slips away from the bar, worried that he might not be able to hide his grimace before Jinki looks at him again. He can’t blame Jinki for any of it. He’s only being friendly, and it isn’t as if he has some claim to Jinki just because they'd started sleeping together.

The cold air hits the instant he steps outside, making his nose sting. The cold and dark usually comforted him, but now it’s only a reminder of the walks he’d made between his place and Jinki’s before every time they’d fuck.

 _Am I always going to think of him in this weather now?_ He curses, pacing to keep warm.

He hears the bar door open behind him, but keeps pacing until he hears steps behind him and a hand wraps around his wrist.

Even without looking, he knows it’s Jinki. He forces himself to turn.

“I was looking for you,” Jinki pants. His cheeks are flushed, and his breath puts a cloud of cold air between them.

“Why?”

“It’s almost midnight.” He releases Jonghyun’s wrist slowly, until all Jonghyun can feel is the slight dip of his fabric from Jinki’s fingertips. “I thought — I thought you might want someone to kiss.”

Jonghyun raises a brow. “Isn’t that too romantic for you?”

“No,” Jinki says, voice low. “Not if it’s with you, at least.”

Jonghyun’s stomach drops. When Jinki continues to stare at him, he laughs dryly and shakes his head. “Thanks.”

“Fuck, I didn’t mean it like that.” Jinki runs a hand over his face and sighs. “I mean that I wouldn’t mind if it’s something romantic—” he pauses. “Because I like you.”

Jonghyun freezes. “What?”

Jinki leans back. “I like you. I have for a while now.”

“You never said anything.”

“I know. I’m not shy, but— well, I figured I ruined my chances with how I approached you when we first met. By the time I realized I was interested, I didn’t want to mess up the way our friendship was going. And I assume I’m not your type, considering you seemed to take sex so seriously, and well...” he smirks wryly. “I’ve been around, as you know.”

“I slept with you even though I thought it’d be meaningless. Doesn’t that show you things have changed?”

“Maybe it should have,” Jinki says. “But I didn’t know what to think. When the guy you’ve been crushing on for almost a year suddenly asks you to be his first — because he thinks you’re the last person that’d ever care about it — it’s hard to know what to do.”

Jonghyun swallows. “I guess I can see that.”

“I wasn’t offended,” Jinki says, laughing lightly. “Just really, really confused. I don’t know if I was leaping on anything I could do with you because I’m into you, or if I was hoping for you to get attached if I went along with it, but...” he trails off. “I think I ended up getting more attached than I already was.”

“You took a real gamble with your feelings,” Jonghyun says.

“I’m aware. Trust me, I’ve been stressing about it since we started.” He sighs, then forces a smile. “Still am, I guess, since I don’t know how you feel.”

“What if I’m just attached to you because we had sex?”

“I was worried about that,” Jinki says. “But we’ve been friends for a while. It’s not like that’s the only way we’ve gotten along.”

“We weren’t this close before we started sleeping together.”

“Isn’t that how relationships work, though? You get closer to someone as you do more things with them. Whether it’s sex or dates or just time.” He pinches his brow. “I’m sorry — this probably sounds like I’m trying to reason you into dating me. I’m not.”

“No, you have a point,” Jonghyun says, smiling. “And you always give me a lot to think about with this sort of thing.”

Jinki hums. “Like with the virginity thing?”

Jonghyun nods. “Like that, yeah. This is harder, though. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt you, either.”

“I get that,” Jinki says. “It’s pretty much how I felt when you said you wanted to try having sex with me.”

Jonghyun laughs and tightens his scarf. “But you still did it.”

“Because I thought it was worth it,” Jinki says, serious.

The air around Jonghyun seems sharper, suddenly.

A shout of _five minutes_ carries out from the bar behind them, making their heads turn. When they look back at each other, Jonghyun shuffles his foot through the snow on the sidewalk.

“You get what I was going to say.”

“I think so,” Jinki smiles. “And yes, I think it’s worth trying, if you want to.” He pauses, swinging his hand awkwardly by his side as he looks down. “I’d be really happy to try, at least.”

Jonghyun’s heart pounds. The next time Jinki’s hand nears him, he takes it. He runs a gloved thumb over Jinki’s bare palm. “You’re sure? I can’t imagine you’d want to date a virgin...”

“Hey, I already fixed that.”

When Jonghyun shoves Jinki in response, he finds himself grabbed by the forearms and tugged against Jinki’s chest. He stiffens and looks up at Jinki, blinking hard when snowflakes catch on his eyelashes.

Jinki smiles. “That’s not important to me. I just really like you.”

Jonghyun nods against Jinki’s jacket. The whole conversation had made him warm with a mix of nerves and butterflies, and the lack of space between them makes him burn, but he doesn’t want to move. His mind flips through the memories of the past week — and before that, all the little things Jinki had noticed and done for him that he’d missed. He stills when he first feels Jinki’s arms circle him, then presses closer, making it easier for Jinki to hold him around the bulk of his jacket.

“I hope this isn’t just about how warm I am,” Jinki says. Though it's teasing, Jonghyun can feel the nerves underneath it.

“It’s not,” Jonghyun promises, face still buried in Jinki’s jacket. “I like this. Being close to you.”

When Jinki kisses his forehead, Jonghyun can feel his smile. Another shout for the minute countdown makes their heads turn again. Jonghyun keeps a hand on Jinki’s waist as he leans back to look into his eyes.

“I’m guessing you want to kiss at midnight.”

Jinki licks his lips. “Seems like a good way to start the year, yeah.”

Jonghyun hums, pretending to consider it, but barely manages before his excitement breaks through in a smile. The countdown chant from inside the bar starts at ten. Jinki’s fingers tighten on his back, and Jonghyun finds his own doing the same against Jinki’s side.

At the shout of one, Jonghyun closes his eyes and stands on his toes, meeting Jinki’s lips for a firm kiss. He’s not sure how long it lasts — only that Jinki’s hands are more places than they should probably be in public and the cheers from the crowded bar have fades by the time they pull away from each other.

“Happy New Year,” Jinki pants, breathless and grinning.

“Happy New Year,” Jonghyun echoes. He glances at the door to the bar — they should go back in, probably, to avoid freezing — but he doesn’t want to. “Do you want to stay here, or do you want to go home?”

Jinki laughs and takes his hand, turning them towards the street leading to their apartments. “Home. Definitely.”


End file.
